You may be in the process of arranging a loved one’s funeral, or preparing to attend a funeral or wake, and one of the decisions you have to make is should you take your child to the funeral? Every family is different, and even different cultures or religions have their own customs when it comes to children attending funerals.
While there is no definitive consensus on whether or not children should attend a funeral, we have put together a list of factors to consider when deciding for yourself and your children. Every child and situation is different, and these factors are presented to help you decide what is best for your child. We encourage you to ask your funeral director for advice as they will have a wealth of experience in supporting families through grief and loss, including children and teens. Your funeral director will also be able to recommend a grief counsellor that specialises in children and bereavement, if you think your child might need one.
What to consider before taking your child to a funeral or wake:
1. The age of the child.
Very small children may find it difficult to understand death and what happens at a funeral. They may also have very short attention spans and will likely get bored at a sombre event like a funeral or wake. Small children may also have a lot of questions and may require you to repeat information to them.
Secondary school aged children and teenagers will have a better understanding of what is happening and they may want to be more involved in the funeral planning or service.
2. Emotional maturity of the child.
Every child is different and may react differently to grief or emotional events. You know your child best and may be able to gauge if they will be able to attend a funeral or not. This is also a good time to have an honest chat with your children about what the funeral will be like and what they can expect at the funeral or wake. Try not to assume that an older child or teen will be emotionally ready to attend a funeral, as this might not be the case.
3. How long will the funeral or wake last?
In some cultures or religions funerals may last several hours or even days. In others, the funeral service may be short with a predetermined start and end time. Some children may find a traditional funeral service with a mass and eulogy boring. Alternative or non-traditional funerals may be more lively and engaging to children. Hence, the type of funeral and the attention spans of the children attending will be important factors to consider.
It may help to decide in advance how long you plan to stay at the funeral or wake, or have options available to the children should they choose to leave early.
4. Will it be an open or closed casket?
It may be disturbing for some children to view a dead body, especially if they have never seen one before. If the wake is going to have an open casket, take some time to prepare your children and give them the option to not attend. Seeing a dead body may be very frightening for some children, and it may be better for them to not attend. Children may also have lots of questions about the body or what is happening to the person who has died.
Even though a child has said they will be okay at the funeral, if you think something like an open casket or viewing would frighten them you can decide what you think is best in that scenario.
5. The child’s wishes.
It is important that children are always asked what they want to do, and that we don’t make decisions for them that do not take their feelings into consideration. So, while as a parent you might want to decide whether or not your child can attend a funeral, the decision should ultimately be theirs to make. We suggest involving your kids in the decision-making process and having honest discussions with them to fully prepare them for the funeral.
Your child may be very clear that they wish to attend the funeral. Read our Support Guide on how to support your child when attending a funeral for tips and advice.
6. The child’s relationship with the person who has died.
If the person who died had a close relationship to your child - like a grandparent or close relative - their death and funeral may bring up complicated emotions and reactions. Children may want to have a private moment to say goodbye, which can be arranged with your funeral director. It may upset some children to see their loved one’s dead body. Some children may want to be involved in the funeral planning and service.
If the funeral is for a person who your child did not have a close relationship with, attending this person’s funeral or wake may help your child understand the concept of death and the funeral process. Children learn about society and culture by experiencing events like funerals and weddings from a young age.
7. Will the funeral have stressful or highly emotional elements?
As a general rule, it is best to keep children away from very stressful or highly emotional events. If you feel as though there might be overly emotional people at the funeral that might be distressing for young children, then you may want to keep your child away or prepare them in advance.
8. Funeral etiquette for kids.
Funerals and wakes tend to be sombre occasions with their own set of etiquette. Children may find it difficult - due to their short attention spans and maturity levels - to adhere to funeral etiquette such as remaining silent or sitting still for long periods of time, not running around, or talking loudly or laughing. It could be helpful to take your kids through a brief lesson on funeral etiquette or reminding them of appropriate and inappropriate behaviour in a funeral setting.
Supporting children when attending a funeral or wake
Educating children about end-of-life, death and dying, and funerals is as significant as teaching them about all other aspects of life. Children learn by observing their parents, families, and society through major life events - death and funerals included.
It is equally important that we support children through grief and difficult events like funerals to help them develop a healthy understanding of death and what happens when we die.
The Farewell Guide is committed to normalising conversations about death and dying, and we’ve put together a number of Support Guides to help you and your loved ones navigate difficult subjects with sensitivity and care.
Helping Children Deal With Grief | The Farewell Guide
This Support Guide explains how children of different ages understand death, includes resources to support you and your children through grief, and offers a family activity to help children cope with a loved one’s death.
Should Children Attend A Funeral? How to Help Children Understand Funerals and Grief
This Support Guide offers advice for supporting a child through the death of a loved one, grief and loss. It also includes questions children may ask about the funeral, dead body, or feelings, and encouragement to speak with a grief counsellor.
World Book Day: 5 Powerful Books to Help Children Understand Grief
5 beautiful children’s books that navigate the complicated topic of death with sensitivity.