When someone dies, we often want to say something kind but don’t know how. A condolence note can bring comfort when words are few. It doesn’t need to be long or perfect. What matters is that it feels real and thoughtful.

Keep it simple and sincere

A short note can mean more than a long one. You don’t need to find grand words or quotes. The best condolence messages are personal and human. They show care without trying to fix anything.

Start with a simple thought.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Or

“I was very sad to hear about [name].”

Then you can add something small and true. Maybe a memory, a quality you admired, or how you’ll miss them. If you didn’t know the person well, you can still write about how much they meant to their family or how you can imagine their loss feels.

Keep your tone gentle. Avoid saying things that sound like you’re making sense of their grief. The bereaved don’t need sense. They need kindness.

Choose the right form

Condolence messages can take many forms. A handwritten card is the most traditional. It feels personal and tangible, something that can be kept. If you’re closer to the person, a short message or call may feel natural too.

Cards or letters
These work best for close friends, family, colleagues, or neighbours. Choose a plain card. Write in your own words if possible, rather than relying on what’s printed inside.

Texts and messages
A text can be right for someone you know well, especially in the first few days when they’re overwhelmed. Keep it short and caring. “Thinking of you today.” is enough.

Social media
If the death has been shared publicly, it’s fine to comment with a kind word. But avoid long posts about your own feelings. Keep the focus on the person and their family.

Whatever form you use, make it about connection, not performance.

What to avoid

Even with good intentions, some phrases can hurt. Try not to say:

• “They’re in a better place.”

• “At least they had a long life.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “I know how you feel.”

These can sound like you’re trying to ease the pain rather than share it. Grief doesn’t need diminishing. Instead, let the person feel seen.

If you’re unsure what to say, it’s fine to write, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you.” Honesty is better than empty comfort.

Don’t overwhelm them

Grief takes energy. Even small things can feel too much. Keep your message short. Offer gentle support, not long promises. Instead of saying “Call me if you need anything,” try something more specific.

For example:

“I can bring food on Friday if that would help.” But bear in mind many others will have had the same idea, and they may not feel up to big meals so ensure you are not creating an extra burden for them of finding freezer space or having to dispose of unwanted food. Creating a rota within a friends group can help rather than checking in one-by-one with someone who hasn't the energy to respond to constant messaging.

Or

“I’ll message next week to check in.”
 

Give them space to accept or ignore. They might not reply, and that’s ok. Your message will still mean something.

Timing and tone

It’s never too late to send a condolence note. Even weeks later, your words can still comfort. Early on, people often receive many messages. Later, when the quiet sets in, they may appreciate yours even more.

Keep your tone natural. Write as you speak. Avoid formal language unless that’s how you normally talk to the person. And don’t worry if your handwriting isn’t perfect. Imperfection can feel real and human.

When words are hard

If you can’t find words, you can still show care. Send a card with a simple “Thinking of you.” Sign your name clearly. Sometimes presence matters more than prose.

Small gestures also help. An easy to prepare meal when they need it; help with housework or admin, a donation to a cause they cared about; or a memory shared at the right time. These things tell the bereaved they’re not alone.

Recording your own wishes

Writing about death can feel uncomfortable, but it can also bring peace. Many people who have faced a bereavement say it makes them think about their own arrangements.

If you’ve ever wondered what kind of farewell you’d like, you can record your funeral wishes on The Farewell Guide. It’s a simple way to make sure your loved ones know what you’d want, from the type of service to small personal touches. It removes some of the burden when the time comes.

And if you’re the one arranging a funeral now, you can use The Farewell Guide to search for local funeral directors and compare services. It helps you find someone who understands your needs, without having to repeat difficult details.

The quiet power of kindness

A condolence note can’t take away loss, but it can soften the edges. It says, “I see you. I care.” That’s enough.

When grief feels heavy, simple words matter most. Write them down. Send them. And trust that they’ll land gently.