Planning your own funeral can seem daunting, but it is a deeply considerate gift to those you love. Taking the time to detail your wishes from the order of service to personal touches like funeral bouquet messages, chosen music and attire spares your family unnecessary stress later on. Experts agree that funeral planning in advance helps loved ones focus on remembering you rather than making rushed decisions at a difficult time. By thinking ahead and sharing your decisions, you ensure your values and personality shape the farewell.
Planning ahead eases the burden on loved ones
Funeral directors and charities emphasise that planning your own funeral eases both emotional and financial strain on family and friends. The National Association of Funeral Directors notes that “planning in advance can help to ease the emotional and financial strain on friends, family and loved ones at a very difficult time”. Similarly, planning lets people close to you “understand your wishes, and remember you in the way you’d want”. In practice, this means fewer difficult arguments or uncertainties (for example, whether you preferred burial or cremation), and a clearer, less stressful process overall.
Discussing and documenting your funeral choices early also gives everyone permission to talk about it openly. It can be awkward to start the “funeral chat,” but doing so gives peace of mind to you and your family. Talking through preferences can “be comforting for those coming to the end of their life, as they know plans are being put in place, giving them and their loved ones peace of mind”. In short, sharing your wishes is not morbid, it is a practical kindness that helps everyone cope.
Key choices to decide
Begin by deciding the major aspects of the funeral. For example, state clearly whether you would prefer burial or cremation. Ask yourself “Do I want to be buried or cremated?” and “Are there any special clothes I would like to wear?”. Think about where you’d like the service to be held, a church, crematorium chapel, or perhaps a community venue and who you trust to carry out the arrangements. If you know a funeral director you would prefer, note their name; if not, you can ask family to choose one or use tools like the Farewell Guide directory to find a vetted professional.
Don’t overlook cultural or religious details. If you have faith-based customs, note them. For example, if you want a religious or non-religious ceremony, or if a particular faith leader should officiate, include that information. Specify any names or wording you prefer on the service announcements or headstone, especially if you have a former name or nickname . These choices ensure the ceremony reflects your life and beliefs.
Personalising the farewell
Once the big decisions are set, focus on personal touches. The order of service is the agenda for the ceremony, and planning it in advance guarantees the day runs as you envision. An order of service typically includes a cover photo, your name and dates, and an outline of the ceremony. For example,
you might list hymns or songs, readings or poems, speakers’ names and prayers. Finally, it usually ends with acknowledgments and information about the burial or wake. Here is how a typical order of service is structured:
● Front cover: A photo, full name, date of birth/death, and perhaps a meaningful quote or short message.
● Inside ceremony outline: A program of events – welcome words, a eulogy, musical pieces (hymns or favorite songs), readings, prayers or poems, and who will perform each part.
● Final page: Another image or quote, a thanks to guests, details of any charities to donate to, and directions to the burial site or wake.
By drafting this sequence yourself, you ensure all the elements you want are included. You can find many template examples online, but a homemade list of songs and speakers is perfectly acceptable. Including these details prevents relatives or the officiant from having to guess what you wanted.
Other personal details matter too. Choose the music or funeral songs that best represent you, such as favourite hymns or tracks. If certain readings or prayers were important to you, name them. You can even specify who you hope will read or speak at the ceremony. All of these preferences can be noted for your funeral planner or director.
Funeral bouquet messages and apparel
Small things can mean a lot. For example, you might have a preference about flowers and the messages that go with them. In the UK it is customary to attach short cards to floral tributes. These cards often bear heartfelt phrases (sometimes called funeral bouquet messages) like “In loving memory”, “Forever in our hearts”, or “With deepest sympathy”. Writing a few sample messages of this kind can guide your family when ordering flowers after you’re gone.
Similarly, specify the dress code. Would you prefer mourners wear traditional black, or something brighter to celebrate your life? Indicating your wishes for funeral apparel formal, casual, black or colourful helps guests feel comfortable and sets the right tone. For instance, you might write “Wear something cheerful, as I loved bright colours,” or “Please observe a traditional black attire,” depending on your style.
Financial and practical arrangements
Planning ahead also involves sorting the financial side. Check if you have a Funeral Plan or any life insurance that could pay for costs. “Is there life insurance, funeral plan or any savings in place to pay for the funeral?”. If the answer is yes, leave the policy details with your plan so loved ones can easily claim them later. If not, you might consider a pre-paid funeral plan to cover some expenses.
In fact, arranging a pre-paid plan is recommended as a caring step. We suggest that if you want to pay in advance, you should “leave details of your arrangements with your wishes”. This means your funeral can be partially or fully funded ahead of time, relieving your family of that burden. Whether you use insurance, savings or a plan, make clear where the information is kept such as with your will or a dedicated planning document and ensure someone trusted knows how to access it.
Writing down and sharing your wishes
It is crucial to put everything in writing and tell someone where it is. Whether it’s a personal “funeral plan” document or part of your will or advance care plan, listing out all your choices ensures they are known. Write down your answers to questions about the funeral and store the document safely. Then inform a family member, partner, executor, or your solicitor that the plan exists and where to find it.
Even though funeral instructions in a will are not legally binding, having them can still help if found in time. Better yet, give a copy to your chosen funeral director or planner and ask them to share it with your family when needed. This way, when the time comes, your loved ones can simply follow a clear guide rather than guess at your desires.
It might feel uncomfortable to plan your own funeral, but remember why you’re doing it. Every detail you settle now from the songs and readings to the order of service and funding arrangements is a kindness that spares your family worry and disagreement later on. When all is recorded, relatives can focus on grieving and celebrating your life, not on phone calls and decisions.
In summary, pre-planning your funeral is about generosity. It is a gift of certainty and love. By making clear your wishes for music, flowers, funeral apparel, and even a “final message” through a bouquet note, you ensure a farewell as unique as you are. It truly is a final act of love for those you care about.
For anyone in the UK taking on this process, The Farewell Guide is an invaluable resource. It positions itself as “your trusted guide for funeral arrangements,” providing “free support and access to the largest network of the very best funeral providers”. Using The Farewell Guide’s online tools and directories, you can find local funeral directors who will honour your plan, and access templates (such as order-of-service booklets or funeral plan documents) to record every detail.
In practice, The Farewell Guide lets you log your wishes securely and share them with loved ones. Its planning platform can save the information above chosen funeral songs, outfit preference, financial details and more all in one place. This ensures that, when the time comes, your instructions are immediately visible to those who need them. By connecting you to vetted funeral directors and offering free support guides, The Farewell Guide helps turn your funeral plan into reality exactly as you envisioned.