Respecting Identity in Death: A Guide to Queer-Inclusive Funeral Etiquette

June 2025

Funerals are deeply personal. They are a time to honour someone’s life, reflect on who they were, and support the people who loved them. For LGBTQ+ individuals, that moment of remembrance can be especially meaningful or, sadly, sometimes painful, depending on how their identity is acknowledged.

This Pride Month, we are sharing some guidance on how to approach queer funerals with care, respect, and compassion. Whether you are planning a service, attending one, or simply want to be a better ally, this guide is here to help.

Why Queer-Inclusive Funerals Matter

For many LGBTQ+ people, identity is something they have had to fight for. It may have taken years to come out, to live authentically, or to be accepted by others. A funeral is a final opportunity to honour that truth. When someone’s name, pronouns, relationships, or gender expression are ignored, it can feel like their identity is being erased.

On the other hand, when a funeral reflects who someone really was, it becomes a powerful act of love and affirmation. This is not only for the person who has passed, but also for everyone who knew and loved them.

1. Using the Right Name and Pronouns

This is one of the simplest and most important ways to show respect. Use the name and pronouns the person used in life, even if they differ from what is on legal documents or what some family members might prefer.

What if you make a mistake?
That is okay. Mistakes happen. If you use the wrong name or pronoun, just gently correct yourself and move on. A quick "sorry, I meant they" is enough. What matters most is your intention and your willingness to do better, not perfection.

Tips:

Check social media, personal writings, or ask close friends if you are unsure about someone’s pronouns or name.
Use the correct name and pronouns in the order of service, obituary, and eulogies.
Avoid using a transgender person’s former name or incorrect pronouns.

2. Honouring Chosen Families and Partners

Many LGBTQ+ people build strong chosen families. These may include friends, partners, housemates, and community members who played a bigger role in their lives than biological relatives.

Why this matters:
Chosen families often know the person best. They have shared everyday life, supported each other through challenges, and celebrated milestones together. Including them in the funeral process is not just inclusive. It is accurate and deeply respectful.

Ways to be inclusive:

Invite chosen family members to speak, participate in rituals, or help plan the service.
Acknowledge partners, even if they were not legally married or recognised by the family.
Use inclusive terms like "partner," "spouse," or "loved one" in programs and speeches.

3. Respecting Gender Expression and Dress

Funerals often come with unspoken expectations about how people should dress or present themselves. For queer individuals, those expectations can feel restrictive or even invalidating.

How to be thoughtful:

Let people know they are welcome to dress in a way that feels authentic to them.
If you are involved in preparing the body or choosing clothing, honour the person’s gender expression. Think about what they would have worn or how they liked to present themselves.
Consider incorporating personal touches like a favourite colour, accessory, or symbol that reflects their identity.

4. Language Matters: Speaking with Care

The words we use during a funeral, especially in eulogies and readings, can either affirm someone’s identity or unintentionally erase it.

Tips for inclusive language:

Use gender-neutral or affirming terms like "they," "partner," or "sibling" when appropriate.
If the person was openly LGBTQ+, do not shy away from mentioning that part of their life. It is not a secret or a shame. It is part of who they were.
Share stories that reflect their full, authentic self, including their relationships, passions, and community.

Avoid:

Euphemisms that downplay identity, such as calling a partner a "close friend."
Jokes or comments that make light of someone’s gender or sexuality.

5. Navigating Family Tensions

Sometimes, a person’s family may not have accepted their identity. This can create difficult dynamics during funeral planning or the service itself.

If you are planning the funeral:

Do your best to honour the person’s wishes, especially if they left instructions.
Include people who supported and affirmed them in life.
If necessary, consider holding a separate memorial that reflects their true identity.

If you are attending:

Be a quiet ally. Use the correct name and pronouns, and support others who are doing the same.
Avoid confrontation during the service, but offer comfort to those who may be feeling excluded or hurt.

6. Celebrating Queer Identity Through Ritual

Funerals do not have to be somber or traditional. They can also be joyful, creative, and deeply personal. For LGBTQ+ individuals, incorporating elements of queer identity can be a beautiful way to celebrate their life.

Ideas to consider:

Use rainbow flowers, flags, or candles in the colours of the Pride flag.
Include music by queer artists or readings from LGBTQ+ writers and poets.
Create a memory table with photos, artwork, or mementos that reflect their identity and community.

These touches can bring comfort and connection to those who are grieving, especially within the LGBTQ+ community.

7. Creating a Safe and Welcoming Space

Grief is already hard. No one should have to worry about whether they will be accepted while mourning someone they love.

How to make the space inclusive:

Choose venues that are LGBTQ+ friendly and accessible.
Make it clear that all identities are welcome.
Provide gender-neutral bathrooms if possible, and avoid assumptions about who should sit where or participate in certain roles.

8. Planning Ahead: Leaving Clear Wishes

One of the best ways to ensure your identity is respected after death is to plan ahead. This can be especially important for LGBTQ+ individuals who may worry about being misrepresented.

Things to consider:

Write down your funeral wishes, including your name, pronouns, clothing, music, and who you want involved.
Appoint someone you trust to carry out your wishes.
Consider legal tools like a will or advance directive to make your plans official.

Planning ahead gives you peace of mind and helps your loved ones honour you in the way you deserve.

9. Where to Find Support

You do not have to navigate this alone. Whether you are planning a funeral, attending one, or just looking for guidance, there are resources available.

UK-based support:

The Farewell Guide – Inclusive end-of-life planning and education
Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline – A listening ear for LGBTQ+ people and their loved ones
Stonewall – Information on rights, advocacy, and support
Queer Funeral Directors UK – A growing network of affirming professionals

Final Thoughts

A queer-inclusive funeral is more than just a respectful goodbye. It is a final act of love. It says, "You were seen. You were valued. You mattered."

By approaching funerals with openness, kindness, and a willingness to learn, we can help ensure that every life is honoured in full. Mistakes may happen, but what matters most is how we respond, with humility, care, and a commitment to doing better.

This Pride Month, let us remember that inclusion does not end with life. It continues in how we say goodbye.